Yet another objective dead blog of a president debate, this time coming to you from Cleveland State University -- often referred to as "The Rice of Eastern Cleveland." Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, fighting for her defunct political life, will square off against polished hope-for-change agent Senator Barack Obama.
Here goes:
Holy Toledo Ohio! What the hell is wrong with these networks? CNN featured Lou Dobbs in its lead-in broadcast. Now MSNBC's opening act is Keith Olbermann! What, were Emo Phillips, Pee Wee Herman and Bobcat Goldwait not available? Please hurry to the main event.
(editors note: Dobbs and Olbermann regularly vacation with Senator Clinton. On the other hand, Obama likes to vacation with Eric Clapton and Halle Berry.)
The candidates shake hands (although Clinton didn't really want to). The audience offers polite applause. Olbermann refuses to get his dumb ass off the air. Tim Russert and Brian Williams sit down. They're both pretty good (Williams is better).
Williams says there will be no real rules. Good news for Hillary, who's a well-known debate cheater.
8: 08 -- Clinton: Claims Obama pulled her piggy-tail. Blah blah blah.
8:10 -- Obama: My health care plan is better. And don't you go bitching about misleading mail, bitch. You're living in fairy-tale land. "We don't whine about it."
8:12 -- Clinton (interrupting Obama): She's bragging about her health care experience again! Just amazing. The single biggest domestic policy failure in the past generation, and she wants to keep reminding voters that she was the architect. If you're gonna filibuster, please have something to say.
8: 15 -- Obama: He's calm and makes sense. Plus, he talking pretty slow, hoping to run out the clock. Smart.
8: 16 -- Clinton (interrupting Obama and the moderators): She would make a fine Human Resources bureaucrat at a small manufacturing company.
8: 17 -- Obama: Clinton is wrong, and I like children. Also, I'm a realist.
8: 18 -- Clinton (interrupting yet again despite being told not to): Has put half of Ohio and and the country to sleep.
8: 20 -- Clinton: Bitches that the world is against her. Talks about Saturday Night Live. Claims she has always been a critic of NAFTA. Also denies having a daughter named Chelsea and being a partner in the Rose Law Firm. Wants a "trade timeout." Uh, have you introduced that bill in your eight years in the Senate?
8: 23 -- Obama: States the obvious -- Clinton has always been NAFTA cheerleader until last Wednesday. She's "shifted positions." That's a very nice way to put it. But Obama is a nice guy. Also, against deadly toys and medicine.
8: 25 -- Clinton: I want to be all things to all people. Refuses to answer Russert's questions or acknowledge her flip-flops. Vows to piss of Canada and Mexico, our nation's two best friends. Great! Just what we need.
8:29 -- Obama: Points out that he's been consistent (subliminal reference to you-know-who). Pro-science, like, uh, windmills.
8: 32 -- Clinton: Just because I lied in the past doesn't mean I'm lying now. Blames Governor Bush for her lies. "Solar panels on roofs" will fix the economy. Hell, I was installing solar panels in the 1970s. How futuristic.
8: 35 -- Obama: "Senator Clinton equates experience with longevity in Washington." Doesn't agree. Wants to hunt down terrorists in northwest Pakistan.
8: 38 -- Clinton: Claims she did something in Northern Ireland and Yugoslavia -- a lie. Now claims that she's just like Obama. Okay, so why vote for you, of all people. If I heard right, she criticized Obama for considering bombing Pakistan, then said she would be even tougher. What, double-bomb them?
8: 41 -- Obama: "Once we drove the bus in the ditch, how are we gonna get out of the ditch" he asks. Says Clinton is poor driver. And a flip-flopper. Likes it when we catch or kill terrorists.
8:44 -- Obama: Doesn't like Russert's silly question. Wants to be responsible in Iraq.
8:46 -- Clinton: "There is no military solution." A defeatist on Iraq now that things are going well and a slap in the face to the troops. Blames Bush again (even though she always votes with him). For some reason thinks Obama could hold a hearing that would force NATO to take over in Iraq and South Central Asia. What?
8: 48 -- Obama: Listens to Bob Gates (good!). "We will have to act in a way that protects our homeland and our interests abroad." This is no peacenik.
8:49 -- Clinton: Tries like hell to interrupt but Brian Williams explains television economics and shuts.her.down.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
8:55 -- Obama: After being shown a clip of Clinton being a sarcastic bitch, Obama graciously intimates that it was mildly amusing. (editors note: Clinton let's out first giant cackle of the evening) Listens to middle-class women in Cincinnati and will advocate for them.
8:57 -- Clinton: "Occasionally you can sneak that in." Once again, brags about her work on HillaryCare, which Americans hated. Do you want to lose? Criticizes Obama for voting for an energy reform bill and some other stuff; moderators less than impressed and move on.
9:00 -- Obama: Suggests that you cannot kill your parents and beg for mercy because you're an orphan. Brings up the HillaryCare mess (Hillary opened the door) and reminds viewers that Clinton single handily screwed that up by putting out hits on anyone who criticized a single comma.
9:05 -- Obama: Will sit down with John McCain and come up with a fair way to campaign in the fall. These are two fair men who can be trusted. Sit down with Hillary and she'll just pull the wool over your eyes. This will all get worked out. Don't put the cart before the horse.
9:07 -- Clinton: Avoids question and refuses to disclose financials. (Probably wants to amend old returns.) Also wants to hide her White House records.
9:09 -- Obama: Can't help who supports him. (editors note: Obama would just as soon I not support him.) But he denounces supporters whom he dislikes. Bottom line: I love Jews and Israel and Jews and Israel feels the same about me.
9:13 -- Clinton: Says she bases her support of Jews and Israel based on purely political grounds.
9: 16 -- Obama: Rejects and denounces bigots. Seems to make Clinton pleased. Whatever.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
9:29 -- Obama: Not as liberal as the National Journal rankings show. Turns it into a pro-immigrant issue and a pro-ethics issue. "The categories don't make sense."
9:23 -- Clinton: Picks a fight with Putin. Calls Vladamir "clever and transparent." Well, you should know all about that stuff.
9:26 -- Obama: Together with international allies, will not let Russia bully anyone in Yugoslavia. Kosovo will be safe in a Barack Obama administration.
9:28 -- Clinton: Really sorry she has cast bad votes, but didn't understand them. Wants a do-over. Then talks about her "experience and unique qualifications." Which is it?
9:30 -- Obama: His only mistake was not being firmer on the Terry Shivo deal. Now, in an attempt to allow her to save some degree of dignity, says nice things about HRC. Very gentlemanly.
9: 32 -- Obama: Says more nice things about sorry excuse of an opponent. "Of course, I think I'd be better." That's the understatement of the year! Despite shameless goading by moderators, refuses to take a shot at Clinton.
9: 34 -- Clinton: I more or less concede. It's possible for me to win, but ... okay, I wanna talk about change. (editors note: That issue is sorta taken) Now she's just rambling. This is sad. Is she going for the sympathy vote?
Brian Williams announces that the debate will be rebroadcast later on TeleMundo. Maybe it will be interesting in Spanish.
Thanks for joining us. Good night, and good luck.
Here goes:
Holy Toledo Ohio! What the hell is wrong with these networks? CNN featured Lou Dobbs in its lead-in broadcast. Now MSNBC's opening act is Keith Olbermann! What, were Emo Phillips, Pee Wee Herman and Bobcat Goldwait not available? Please hurry to the main event.
(editors note: Dobbs and Olbermann regularly vacation with Senator Clinton. On the other hand, Obama likes to vacation with Eric Clapton and Halle Berry.)
The candidates shake hands (although Clinton didn't really want to). The audience offers polite applause. Olbermann refuses to get his dumb ass off the air. Tim Russert and Brian Williams sit down. They're both pretty good (Williams is better).
Williams says there will be no real rules. Good news for Hillary, who's a well-known debate cheater.
8: 08 -- Clinton: Claims Obama pulled her piggy-tail. Blah blah blah.
8:10 -- Obama: My health care plan is better. And don't you go bitching about misleading mail, bitch. You're living in fairy-tale land. "We don't whine about it."
8:12 -- Clinton (interrupting Obama): She's bragging about her health care experience again! Just amazing. The single biggest domestic policy failure in the past generation, and she wants to keep reminding voters that she was the architect. If you're gonna filibuster, please have something to say.
8: 15 -- Obama: He's calm and makes sense. Plus, he talking pretty slow, hoping to run out the clock. Smart.
8: 16 -- Clinton (interrupting Obama and the moderators): She would make a fine Human Resources bureaucrat at a small manufacturing company.
8: 17 -- Obama: Clinton is wrong, and I like children. Also, I'm a realist.
8: 18 -- Clinton (interrupting yet again despite being told not to): Has put half of Ohio and and the country to sleep.
8: 20 -- Clinton: Bitches that the world is against her. Talks about Saturday Night Live. Claims she has always been a critic of NAFTA. Also denies having a daughter named Chelsea and being a partner in the Rose Law Firm. Wants a "trade timeout." Uh, have you introduced that bill in your eight years in the Senate?
8: 23 -- Obama: States the obvious -- Clinton has always been NAFTA cheerleader until last Wednesday. She's "shifted positions." That's a very nice way to put it. But Obama is a nice guy. Also, against deadly toys and medicine.
8: 25 -- Clinton: I want to be all things to all people. Refuses to answer Russert's questions or acknowledge her flip-flops. Vows to piss of Canada and Mexico, our nation's two best friends. Great! Just what we need.
8:29 -- Obama: Points out that he's been consistent (subliminal reference to you-know-who). Pro-science, like, uh, windmills.
8: 32 -- Clinton: Just because I lied in the past doesn't mean I'm lying now. Blames Governor Bush for her lies. "Solar panels on roofs" will fix the economy. Hell, I was installing solar panels in the 1970s. How futuristic.
8: 35 -- Obama: "Senator Clinton equates experience with longevity in Washington." Doesn't agree. Wants to hunt down terrorists in northwest Pakistan.
8: 38 -- Clinton: Claims she did something in Northern Ireland and Yugoslavia -- a lie. Now claims that she's just like Obama. Okay, so why vote for you, of all people. If I heard right, she criticized Obama for considering bombing Pakistan, then said she would be even tougher. What, double-bomb them?
8: 41 -- Obama: "Once we drove the bus in the ditch, how are we gonna get out of the ditch" he asks. Says Clinton is poor driver. And a flip-flopper. Likes it when we catch or kill terrorists.
8:44 -- Obama: Doesn't like Russert's silly question. Wants to be responsible in Iraq.
8:46 -- Clinton: "There is no military solution." A defeatist on Iraq now that things are going well and a slap in the face to the troops. Blames Bush again (even though she always votes with him). For some reason thinks Obama could hold a hearing that would force NATO to take over in Iraq and South Central Asia. What?
8: 48 -- Obama: Listens to Bob Gates (good!). "We will have to act in a way that protects our homeland and our interests abroad." This is no peacenik.
8:49 -- Clinton: Tries like hell to interrupt but Brian Williams explains television economics and shuts.her.down.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
8:55 -- Obama: After being shown a clip of Clinton being a sarcastic bitch, Obama graciously intimates that it was mildly amusing. (editors note: Clinton let's out first giant cackle of the evening) Listens to middle-class women in Cincinnati and will advocate for them.
8:57 -- Clinton: "Occasionally you can sneak that in." Once again, brags about her work on HillaryCare, which Americans hated. Do you want to lose? Criticizes Obama for voting for an energy reform bill and some other stuff; moderators less than impressed and move on.
9:00 -- Obama: Suggests that you cannot kill your parents and beg for mercy because you're an orphan. Brings up the HillaryCare mess (Hillary opened the door) and reminds viewers that Clinton single handily screwed that up by putting out hits on anyone who criticized a single comma.
9:05 -- Obama: Will sit down with John McCain and come up with a fair way to campaign in the fall. These are two fair men who can be trusted. Sit down with Hillary and she'll just pull the wool over your eyes. This will all get worked out. Don't put the cart before the horse.
9:07 -- Clinton: Avoids question and refuses to disclose financials. (Probably wants to amend old returns.) Also wants to hide her White House records.
9:09 -- Obama: Can't help who supports him. (editors note: Obama would just as soon I not support him.) But he denounces supporters whom he dislikes. Bottom line: I love Jews and Israel and Jews and Israel feels the same about me.
9:13 -- Clinton: Says she bases her support of Jews and Israel based on purely political grounds.
9: 16 -- Obama: Rejects and denounces bigots. Seems to make Clinton pleased. Whatever.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
9:29 -- Obama: Not as liberal as the National Journal rankings show. Turns it into a pro-immigrant issue and a pro-ethics issue. "The categories don't make sense."
9:23 -- Clinton: Picks a fight with Putin. Calls Vladamir "clever and transparent." Well, you should know all about that stuff.
9:26 -- Obama: Together with international allies, will not let Russia bully anyone in Yugoslavia. Kosovo will be safe in a Barack Obama administration.
9:28 -- Clinton: Really sorry she has cast bad votes, but didn't understand them. Wants a do-over. Then talks about her "experience and unique qualifications." Which is it?
9:30 -- Obama: His only mistake was not being firmer on the Terry Shivo deal. Now, in an attempt to allow her to save some degree of dignity, says nice things about HRC. Very gentlemanly.
9: 32 -- Obama: Says more nice things about sorry excuse of an opponent. "Of course, I think I'd be better." That's the understatement of the year! Despite shameless goading by moderators, refuses to take a shot at Clinton.
9: 34 -- Clinton: I more or less concede. It's possible for me to win, but ... okay, I wanna talk about change. (editors note: That issue is sorta taken) Now she's just rambling. This is sad. Is she going for the sympathy vote?
Brian Williams announces that the debate will be rebroadcast later on TeleMundo. Maybe it will be interesting in Spanish.
Thanks for joining us. Good night, and good luck.
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