DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD

Yet another objective dead blog of a president debate, this time coming to you from Cleveland State University -- often referred to as "The Rice of Eastern Cleveland." Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, fighting for her defunct political life, will square off against polished hope-for-change agent Senator Barack Obama.

Here goes:

Holy Toledo Ohio! What the hell is wrong with these networks? CNN featured Lou Dobbs in its lead-in broadcast. Now MSNBC's opening act is Keith Olbermann! What, were Emo Phillips, Pee Wee Herman and Bobcat Goldwait not available? Please hurry to the main event.

(editors note: Dobbs and Olbermann regularly vacation with Senator Clinton. On the other hand, Obama likes to vacation with Eric Clapton and Halle Berry.)

The candidates shake hands (although Clinton didn't really want to). The audience offers polite applause. Olbermann refuses to get his dumb ass off the air. Tim Russert and Brian Williams sit down. They're both pretty good (Williams is better).

Williams says there will be no real rules. Good news for Hillary, who's a well-known debate cheater.

8: 08 -- Clinton: Claims Obama pulled her piggy-tail. Blah blah blah.

8:10 -- Obama: My health care plan is better. And don't you go bitching about misleading mail, bitch. You're living in fairy-tale land. "We don't whine about it."

8:12 -- Clinton (interrupting Obama): She's bragging about her health care experience again! Just amazing. The single biggest domestic policy failure in the past generation, and she wants to keep reminding voters that she was the architect. If you're gonna filibuster, please have something to say.

8: 15 -- Obama: He's calm and makes sense. Plus, he talking pretty slow, hoping to run out the clock. Smart.

8: 16 -- Clinton (interrupting Obama and the moderators): She would make a fine Human Resources bureaucrat at a small manufacturing company.

8: 17 -- Obama: Clinton is wrong, and I like children. Also, I'm a realist.

8: 18 -- Clinton (interrupting yet again despite being told not to): Has put half of Ohio and and the country to sleep.

8: 20 -- Clinton: Bitches that the world is against her. Talks about Saturday Night Live. Claims she has always been a critic of NAFTA. Also denies having a daughter named Chelsea and being a partner in the Rose Law Firm. Wants a "trade timeout." Uh, have you introduced that bill in your eight years in the Senate?

8: 23 -- Obama: States the obvious -- Clinton has always been NAFTA cheerleader until last Wednesday. She's "shifted positions." That's a very nice way to put it. But Obama is a nice guy. Also, against deadly toys and medicine.

8: 25 -- Clinton: I want to be all things to all people. Refuses to answer Russert's questions or acknowledge her flip-flops. Vows to piss of Canada and Mexico, our nation's two best friends. Great! Just what we need.

8:29 -- Obama: Points out that he's been consistent (subliminal reference to you-know-who). Pro-science, like, uh, windmills.

8: 32 -- Clinton: Just because I lied in the past doesn't mean I'm lying now. Blames Governor Bush for her lies. "Solar panels on roofs" will fix the economy. Hell, I was installing solar panels in the 1970s. How futuristic.

8: 35 -- Obama: "Senator Clinton equates experience with longevity in Washington." Doesn't agree. Wants to hunt down terrorists in northwest Pakistan.

8: 38 -- Clinton: Claims she did something in Northern Ireland and Yugoslavia -- a lie. Now claims that she's just like Obama. Okay, so why vote for you, of all people. If I heard right, she criticized Obama for considering bombing Pakistan, then said she would be even tougher. What, double-bomb them?

8: 41 -- Obama: "Once we drove the bus in the ditch, how are we gonna get out of the ditch" he asks. Says Clinton is poor driver. And a flip-flopper. Likes it when we catch or kill terrorists.

8:44 -- Obama: Doesn't like Russert's silly question. Wants to be responsible in Iraq.

8:46 -- Clinton: "There is no military solution." A defeatist on Iraq now that things are going well and a slap in the face to the troops. Blames Bush again (even though she always votes with him). For some reason thinks Obama could hold a hearing that would force NATO to take over in Iraq and South Central Asia. What?

8: 48 -- Obama: Listens to Bob Gates (good!). "We will have to act in a way that protects our homeland and our interests abroad." This is no peacenik.

8:49 -- Clinton: Tries like hell to interrupt but Brian Williams explains television economics and shuts.her.down.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

8:55 -- Obama: After being shown a clip of Clinton being a sarcastic bitch, Obama graciously intimates that it was mildly amusing. (editors note: Clinton let's out first giant cackle of the evening) Listens to middle-class women in Cincinnati and will advocate for them.

8:57 -- Clinton: "Occasionally you can sneak that in." Once again, brags about her work on HillaryCare, which Americans hated. Do you want to lose? Criticizes Obama for voting for an energy reform bill and some other stuff; moderators less than impressed and move on.

9:00 -- Obama: Suggests that you cannot kill your parents and beg for mercy because you're an orphan. Brings up the HillaryCare mess (Hillary opened the door) and reminds viewers that Clinton single handily screwed that up by putting out hits on anyone who criticized a single comma.

9:05 -- Obama: Will sit down with John McCain and come up with a fair way to campaign in the fall. These are two fair men who can be trusted. Sit down with Hillary and she'll just pull the wool over your eyes. This will all get worked out. Don't put the cart before the horse.

9:07 -- Clinton: Avoids question and refuses to disclose financials. (Probably wants to amend old returns.) Also wants to hide her White House records.

9:09 -- Obama: Can't help who supports him. (editors note: Obama would just as soon I not support him.) But he denounces supporters whom he dislikes. Bottom line: I love Jews and Israel and Jews and Israel feels the same about me.

9:13 -- Clinton: Says she bases her support of Jews and Israel based on purely political grounds.

9: 16 -- Obama: Rejects and denounces bigots. Seems to make Clinton pleased. Whatever.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

9:29 -- Obama: Not as liberal as the National Journal rankings show. Turns it into a pro-immigrant issue and a pro-ethics issue. "The categories don't make sense."

9:23 -- Clinton: Picks a fight with Putin. Calls Vladamir "clever and transparent." Well, you should know all about that stuff.

9:26 -- Obama: Together with international allies, will not let Russia bully anyone in Yugoslavia. Kosovo will be safe in a Barack Obama administration.

9:28 -- Clinton: Really sorry she has cast bad votes, but didn't understand them. Wants a do-over. Then talks about her "experience and unique qualifications." Which is it?

9:30 -- Obama: His only mistake was not being firmer on the Terry Shivo deal. Now, in an attempt to allow her to save some degree of dignity, says nice things about HRC. Very gentlemanly.

9: 32 -- Obama: Says more nice things about sorry excuse of an opponent. "Of course, I think I'd be better." That's the understatement of the year! Despite shameless goading by moderators, refuses to take a shot at Clinton.

9: 34 -- Clinton: I more or less concede. It's possible for me to win, but ... okay, I wanna talk about change. (editors note: That issue is sorta taken) Now she's just rambling. This is sad. Is she going for the sympathy vote?

Brian Williams announces that the debate will be rebroadcast later on TeleMundo. Maybe it will be interesting in Spanish.

Thanks for joining us. Good night, and good luck.

THEY PICKED ME! GIVE ME A MOE +/-3.5% W/95 PROBABILITY OR GIVE ME DEATH

Hello.

May I speak to the head of the household, please?

You from the IRS?

No, I'm calling from McCrunchersome Public Opinion Research Associates. We are surveying Texans about their political attitudes on the upcoming election.

Count me in. I dig politics.

Okay, a few preliminary questions. Are you a regular voter.

Yes, I have a very high fiber diet.

Uh, have you voted in the past three elections?

Yep.

Now, would you consider yourself a Democrat, a Republican, a member of another party, or an independent voter.

More or less Republican.

Okay, do you vote in the Republican primaries?

Didn't in 1986. But since then.

Okay, did you support George W. Bush in the last election?

Yeah. And the one before that and the one before that and the one before that.

On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the best and one being the worst, how would you rank President Bush's job performance?

Nine.

Really?

Really.

Okay, have you voted early in next week's primary elections and if not, do you plan to vote?

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

And which Republican candidate will you be supporting, John McCain, Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul, or another candidate?

Who said I was voting for a Republican candidate?

Please allow me to ask the questions. I am a highly trained telephone solicitor. For whom do you plan to vote?

Barack Obama.

Sir, you do know that his name appears on the Democratic ballot?

Of course. I'm not as dumb as people think.

So you plan to vote in the Democratic primary?

Dude, do I have to draw you a picture? Of course.

Okay, I'm going to ask you some questions about your political views that we're asking all self-described Obama supporters.
From a political perspective, which of the following celebrities do you most closely identify with:

Barbara Streisand
Michale Moore
Rosie O'Donnell
Larry David
Jay Leno
Charles Barkley
Clint Eastwood
Bruce Willis
Chuck Norris
Rush Limbaugh
Ann Coulter

Man, probably right in there with either Eastwood and Willis.

What issues are most important to you this election?

I'm looking for hope, change, and a leader who is fired up and ready to go.

Do you think Obama is addressing these issues?

Are you calling from one of those boiler rooms in India?

Topeka, Kansas. But I get your point. Dumb question.
Now thinking about Obama, some have questioned his experience in national elected office. Do you think he can be an effective leader from day one?

Yes He Can.

Are you aware that he's a 46-year-old liberal from Chicago?

I heard about that.

Are you aware that he's for leaving Iraq, nationalizing health care, raising taxes, and having the federal government give away more free stuff?

I disagree with him on those particular points, but that's okay. None of that is gonna pass or anything. But I do want a country willing to break down barriers.

You mean the first black president?

No. The first cool president.

DEAD BLOGGING FROM MY EASY CHAIR

Made it home just in time to give you a fair and balanced, blow-by-blow account of tonight's Austin debate. Here goes.

6:50 -- Why is Lou Dobbs the top dawg for the intro program? Plus, turnout must be light. CNN's is using the rec on campus for its national E-Night coverage.

7: 00 --The polls have now closed.

7: 10 -- My bad. Turns out this is NOT election night.

7:14 -- Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton sure does lie a lot in her opening statement. I counted at least six factual errors in her opening remarks.

7: 19 -- Senator Barack Obama: No lies in his opening statement.

7: 22 -- If that's Campbell Brown, she's lost weight since she hung out in Austin during the 2000 recount.

7: 25 -- Clinton just admitted she's a pro-Cuban Communist.

7: 27 -- On the other hand, Obama wants free speech and a free press in Cuba. Will meet with them if the are our friends. Hell, EVERYBODY is Obama's friend!

7: 29 -- What a me-too bitch! Also pro-Iranian and anti-Governor Bush.

7: 31 -- Obama wants to be more pro-active than we were 20 or 30 years ago (subliminal generation comparison).

7: 32 -- Yep, that is Campbell Brown. Wonder if she's gonna hit Liberty Lunch tonight and relive the old days.

7: 34: -- On the economy, he wants Americans to make more money. And he's opposed to letting the Chinese poison American babies. He want us to all come together and kick the living shit out of special interests.

7: 36 -- Clinton says Me too me too me too. She met a hair dresser? WTF!

7:38 -- Barack has good manners. He told her to "go ahead" when she flagrantly violated the time-limit rules. If Obama tried to cheat, she'd throw a lamp at him.

7: 39 -- She wants to force undocumented workers "out of the shade" in Laredo, one of the hottest cities in America. That's just cruel.

7: 33 -- Obama wants to be humane. And he likes Mexicans. Bet they like him back, too.

7: 39 -- Clinton: "me too." Admits she's a giant-assed flip-flopper. Admits she votes on bills she doesn't understand and tries to blame it on Bush.

7:43 -- Gentleman Obama let's her break the rules yet again. Good move. Give her ALL the rope she wants.

7: 46: -- Obama finally gets to talk. He speaks clearly and not in all that inside-the Beltway gobbledygook. He has a dream for our children.

7: 50 -- The moderators are keeping their questions pretty short and concise. Chris Matthews must be pulling his hair out.

7:53 -- Clinton says she can't speak Spanish.

7:56 -- Barack wants kids to learn languages, so they don't grow up to be like Hillary.

7: 57 -- BRB. Gotta pee.

7: 59 -- Timed that perfectly. They went to break. Playing a Mindy Montford ad. Go Mindy!

8:00 -- John King just called Hillary Clinton a liar.

8:01 -- Hillary concedes she's a huge fan of negative campaigning. What the hell is that sticking out of her dress? Is she wearing a neck brace? That's strange.

8:03 -- Obama: pro-ethics and pro-helping wounded soldiers; anti-wasteful spending and anti-earmarks and anti- gridlock. Points out that people in Texas like him. Hillary? Not to much.

8: 05 -- Barack says there's nothing wrong with giving brilliant speeches (subliminal jab at Clinton). University crowd goes crazy when he says he wants to cut tuition.

8:07 -- Hillary says she wants to give her 1993 health care plan a second chance. Wants all or nothing. Yeah, that worked so well the first time. Why would you bring that up? What's next? Cattle futures and your brother selling pardons out of the White House?

8: 09 -- Barack says that when it comes to health care, he's not living in a dream world. Would rather kick an easy field goal than fumble in his own backfield. (editors note: Hillary snubbed Coach Brown and Colt McCoy today. Dumb dumb dumb.)

8:11 -- Clinton breaks rules again.

8: 14 -- Barack tries to give a brief rebuttal after Clinton violates the format guidelines once more and she tries to physically strike him.

8: 15 -- She did it again. If she were a child, she'd be grounded and sent to her room without any supper.

8: 16 -- Crowd breaks out in laughter at Clinton's big ol' stack of speeding tickets. Hillary, they're laughing AT you, not WITH you.

8: 19 -- On to foreign affairs. For the life of me, someone please explain why she keeps acting likes she's some John Foster Dulles.

8: 21 -- Barack makes really good sense on national security. Very thoughtful and mainstream. Hillary interrupts, attempts to break the rules AGAIN, and the moderators just throw up their hands in disbelief.

8: 23 -- Am I spelling Barack Obama correctly?

8: 26 -- Did Clinton just say she wants to bring a Brownsville wife's soldier husband home and give him some sweet Hillary love?

8: 29 -- The man knows his audience. Points out that he is anti-war. That sells well in Austin. Adds that sufficient equipment and support for America's fighting men and women makes more sense, from a strategic military angle, than hooking them up with blindly ambitious thick-legged 62 year old women.

8: 30 -- Another break. More teevee ads. But no Mindy.

8: 33 -- Barack passed a bill called Google For Government. Sounds good. I hear Google is really catching on. Also, he doesn't want to flush your tax dollars down the toilet.

8: 37 -- Clinton says wasteful spending can be sustained by raising taxes. Get the sense she doesn't have her finger on the nation's pulse.

8: 40 -- Obama respects regular voters more than political insiders. Very much pro-democracy.

8: 42 -- Barack answers final question with his powerful life story mini-speech. Man, I hope they play Signed Sealed Delivered pretty soon.

8: 45 -- Hillary gives some outrageously disjointed answer about facing great adversity in life (what?) while also living a life that was blessed. Make.Up.Your.Mind.

THE END

KIDS HAVE GOOD JUDGMENT

Hat Tip To MG

"CROSS-POSTING" IS A REAL WORD AND I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS

(editors' note) This originally appeared on the Nobel Prize winning site www.yougottaplayhurt.blogspot.com

Long before it become a trite political buzzword, there were REAL proponents of change. Willing to, you know, make change.

Have a look.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8nU-q5YPRQ

PRESIDENTS IN THE KEY OF LIFE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inXC_lab-34

OH MISTER POSTMAN, WAIT AND SEE, IS THERE A LETTER, A LETTER FOR ME

PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL
Sent Via Private Courier

Dear Billy Clyde:

I am most grateful for you support. It means a great deal to Michelle and me, and we value the trust you have placed in us. Win, lose, or draw, we will always cherish you support.

But for the sake of humanity, please STOP telling people you support me. It's.Not.Helping.

There seems to be a consensus in the campaign that your "talents" would best serve my campaign in a behind the scene capacity. You can fly with me on my plane. Just don't think we are going to walk down to the tarmac together. We both share the same desire: for me to become Leader of the Free World. Your counsel will be very important in this journey. Don't f*uck it up by being too, uh, out front on my behalf.

Because of the kindness of hundreds of thousands of grassroots citizens who love their country and yearn for a better, brighter tomorrrow, I have raised roughly $368 million dollars in the past six weeks -- most of it from people sending 50 or a 100 bucks. I'll give you two million if you'll stop telling people how much you support me.

Texas may turn out to be the deciding state in this race. For that reason, I seek your assistance in my home state of Hawaii for the month. All expenses paid. Have some fruity drinks with miniature umbrellas and eat coconut shrimp all day long. It's on me. Just stay away from Texas and be quiet.

Michelle and I had a heart-to-heart discussion yesterday, and we concur: You can run the Small Business Administration or the Security and Exchange Commission -- your choice. In return, we simply ask that you leave Texas for a while. You will really like Hawaii.

Thanks for everything, my friend. See you in Honolulu.

With warmest personal regards,

Barack Obama

Q&A ON THE TEXAS REPUBLICAN OBAMA WEB SITE DEAL

Q: I disagree with Senator Obama on virtually every issue. Yet I really like him. Should I join your group, and why?

A: This is the place for you. We all disagree with his politics, but he's young, gives inspirational speeches, and has a great wife. Climb on the bandwagon and be cool.

Q: I've never voted and don't do politics. But my husband passed out early on Saturday night and I saw this Obama guy on the television. Was that a Stevie Wonder song he was dancing to?

A: Yep. Signed Sealed Delivered. One of the best songs of all time. Senator Clinton is on her eighth theme song and still can't get it right. Senator Obama makes a (wise) decision and sticks with it.

Q: I'm a really conservative stay-at-home mom raising six kids. My husband usually doesn't allow me to vote. But I have a few times. And I always vote Republican. This year I'm thinking about voting for Obama. Will God be mad if I do?

A: No. God has formally endorsed Obama.

Q: My father died fighting in Korea and my brother died in a POW camp in Vietnam, so the Communism issue is a pretty big deal to me. Where do the candidates stand?

A: Hillary: pro-Communist. Obama: anti-Communist.

Q: I own a small oil and lube shop and a rare book outlet and practice a little law out of my home office. But the more I work, it seems the farther I fall behind. Shouldn't I be for Hillary or McCain?

A: Absolutely not. They both would make you take yet another job as a seasonal IRS worker.

Q: I own a health care insurance company, my dad set up generous education trusts for my kids, and all three of my homes are paid off. What should I bitch about?

A: Senator Clinton. She wants your corporation, your trusts, and your homes. Moreover, she would make you keep the kids.

Q: There was a newspaper story today that said some Pulitzer Prize winner author in Great Britian said that Obama would be assasinated if elected. Should that be a factor in my vote?

A: As Mick Jagge put it, "I shouted out who killed the Kennedys. But you look around, it was you and me." No, Hillary will be killed if elected. Obama will be worshiped.